7 Things That Are NOT Your Fault: Blame it on Astrology

None of us are perfect, obviously — we all have to confront our humanity once in a while. But don't worry: If you believe in astrology, you're in luck, because guess what. All of your mistakes can be explained by your natal chart. Don't believe in astrology? Maybe I can help…

1. That Time You Were an Hour Late to Your Friend's Birthday

Perhaps you over-napped for 15 minutes. That could have been remedied by shortening your shower time or not having a full-on Ciara dance party while you got ready. But then your cat barfed all over your new Moroccan rug and, as if he was feeling left out, your dog decided to contribute to the "annoy your owner movement" by pooping on the doormat. Great.

When you were finally done cleaning, you saw that the cute bartender you matched with on Tinder messaged you and you just had to check the message, even though you had no intention of responding within the next hour. On top of that, the F train was delayed, and you forgot the gift, so, basically, it was one big mess.

Is Mercury in retrograde? Probably. When you finally showed up, you apologized profusely, and later that night, you bought everyone a round of shots because you could sense that the birthday girl was still annoyed at your tardiness. But what she doesn't understand is that it's soooo not your fault. It's just your nature to be late. You are an Aries, one of the five zodiac signs that are late to everything! She really should have forgiven you sooner.

2. Your Slipping GPA

Forget the fact that Zoom classes have a few disadvantages, like when your professor's internet cuts out five minutes into the philosophy class you did not want to take in the first place. If your grades have been on a downward curve since March and you're seeing numbers thatare closer to your parents' ages than what your parents expect of you, don't bother examining the external factors.

Just look at your birth chart. According to this incredibly eye-opening article , unless you are an Aries, Virgo or Capricorn, you are doomed to a lifetime of laziness, incompetence and failure to reach career goals. In other words, don't even bother trying. Ha! As if you were trying to begin with. And if you are part of the holy trinity of astrology-proclaimed hard workers, keep up the all-nighters. Don't you dare take a pee break that's longer than two minutes.

3. Not Getting Over Your Ex

You know that ex of yours? Yes, that one. The one that still creeps around in your mind, even though it's been a year since you guys met on a supermoon night. You've seen other people since the breakup. You've had some severely awkward hook-up moments, like when you broke their $2,000 bedside lamp (seriously, who pays that much for lighting?) or when you accidentally said your ex's name in bed (oops — and yes, still that ex). But you've also had some amazing one-night stands with strangers that you wish were dateable. Not to mention some really cool places you've been to on dates with really cool people (hello, East Village tattoo artist with ocean eyes).

Yet no amount of lunar eclipses can change the fact that any little thing still takes you back to that ex of yours, like when "Memories" by Maroon 5 plays on the radio (such an emotionally charged song; change my mind), and you wonder why the hell you're not quite completely over them yet.

Well, perhaps it's because you will never be as astrologically compatible with anyone else. Are you a Sagittarius? And is your ex a Libra? Well, there you go. Unless you meet someone on the cusp of Libra and Scorpio, with Capricorn rising, Aquarius moon, Centaurs Pluto and Gryffindor Venus, you might never, ever find love again.

4. Slut-Shaming Your High School "Friend"

You're scrolling through Instagram, as you do each morning with your coffee, and you come across a scandalous picture of this girl you went to high school with — she's such a Leo!

She's smiling in a blue Zaful bikini, kneeling on the beach and facing the camera, semi-naked. The 34 comments under her post tell her she looks absolutely stunning, but you quickly screenshot it and send it to a group chat. Within minutes, you and your girls are taking turns dissing her with oh-so-clever burns like, "Who does she think she is? An IG model?" and "Her butt is probably flatter than a pancake," as if that's important.

No, it's not highly anti-feminist. No, of course you are not completely tearing down other women. And no, it is not the internalized misogyny that you probably should work on. It's just that your zodiac sign makes you jealous easily! Are you a Scorpio or Virgo? Or even a Gemini, Libra or Taurus? If so, then it is totally okay. Keep up the insults! Go ahead, call her a slut or an attention whore! She deserves it for provoking your natural jealousy.

5. Your Impulse-Shopping Habits

Oops, you did it again. What was it this time? The $300 Hypervolt massager you saw a hot NFL player use, even though you haven't lifted a single weight since last December? Well, it was a new moon which means a fresh start, so you were probably setting intentions to start working out again, right?

Or was it two more throw pillows to add to the five you already have on your bed (can someone please explain to me why anyone needs more than four pillows on one surface)? Or the blackhead-removing kit that has five-star reviews on Amazon, despite the fact that you know you should leave your blackheads alone? Or your favorite influencer just came out with a clothing line and it would be a crime if you didn't support her business.

Yup, very valid. It's okay because your bank will understand when you explain to them that your debt is simply because you're an Aries, so you're impulsive, reckless and irresponsible with money. Chances are, they'll clear the misunderstanding right up.

6. The Third Time You Got Alcohol Poisoning

It started out with just a margarita at dinner. You're catching up with an old friend at your favorite taco place, so why in the world wouldn't you share a couple of cocktails to get the fun started? Plus, it was the summer solstice, so all the more reason to celebrate.

But one hour of reminiscing the good old times turns into another, and before you have time to remember regrets of mistakes past, you find yourself at the EDM club down the street. You still don't like EDM, but that's an irrelevant nuisance. You're here for the stroke-inducing flashing lights, the sweat of bodies pressed up against you, and maybe even some attention from middle-aged men.

It may have been around 2 a.m. or 3 a.m. or 4 a.m. when you blacked out, but you cannot be sure. When you wake up again, you're in a hospital bed, IV tube in your hand. All you have are the few belongings you miraculously managed not to lose and a handful of incredibly embarrassing videos, including one of your friends taking turns sticking their hands down your throat to help you throw up. Don't worry, three times is not that bad and no, you don't need to talk to someone about the problem you don't have.

You're just a water sign. It had been a hard week and you were emotional, which was certainly fixed by all the drinks you threw back.

7. Your Vanity

A few months ago, a friend of a friend analyzed my Co-Star chart. I sat there, too nervous to eat my dinner, biting my nails in anticipation, while she made indistinct noises like "ohhhh," "hmmm" and "eeeh?" Finally, she put her phone down and told me, okay, so you're a Leo. Right, I knew that. And then she informed me that I am in Leo in all aspects, especially in my so-called love language. To translate, she basically told me that not only do I seem self-absorbed and vain, I also am self-absorbed and vain in practice, especially in my relationships. Ahhhhh. Eureka. So that is why I cannot commit! That makes sense since it certainly cannot be any real issues like unresolved internalized homophobia. It's my Leo-ness.

So excuse me while I go stare at myself in the bathroom mirror for the next five hours, because I love myself and only myself. What's that? You think it's a waste of time? No, babes, I'm just following my destiny. Can't you see? It's written in the stars.

Graphic illustrations by Cleo Papadopoulos.